Process of Elimination

“It is with deep regret that we must inform you that you died about fifteen minutes ago…therefore any attempt to rejoin the ranks of the living will be thwarted by Yours Truly,” was the most bizarre thing that she had heard while within the confines of her Solitary Confinement. She turned her head to view the Voice, but her head was restrained by the weight of the lead football helmet strapped to her head. Her weak neck could not hold her head up but a few seconds, her head flopped like a chicken with its neck newly-broken.

The Voice loomed over her. It was a voice with bug eyes that pierced the helmeted woman’s fog. The voice held some pointed metal tool, with a solution dribbling from the point. The bugged eyes came closer with a piercing [yet concerned?] gaze that pierced her like the sharp sting of the tool pressing…boring into her arm. Fade to gray…to black.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

She awoke. Many hours had passed. She felt more lucid. She hated the “bug eyes.” She loved the darkness because she did not see them. They had gone away. She pulled on her wrists and tried to kick her legs. Yes. She remembered. She was still tethered to her bed. She felt the dampness around the straps on her wrists, and realized that she had started bleeding anew. She must have been struggling. In the fog. Always in a fog. She opened her mouth to speak….or rather, to give a yell for help. Help? Help me? She futilely thought? She closed her mouth before even a yelp escaped – for that is what got her tied up in the first place. She felt the blackness close in around her. No! She silently yelled. No! Don’t take me back there. No! It’s not my time to go. Please, no…..I beg of you…..please: I’ll be quiet. I won’t be any trouble. Make the darkness go away….please envelope me, Sweet Curtain of invisibleness. Please…..as she stumbled and fell into the troubling fog once again.

* * * * * * * * * * *

One o’clock registered the time on the clock outside her door. It was dark on the floor, with the fluorescent glow from the lights at the nurse’s station. It must be in the middle of the night. It must be. There is stillness in here. She is reasoning. She must be awake. She must be alive. Still.

Oh! Jesus!!!! The pain. The pains had started up again. They rose in her like tidal waves of a blanket of pain….that ensconced her once again…..rhythmically….over and over again. It was time to call the nurse. Something was wrong.

“Nurse. Nurse,” she quietly called, as not to disturb anyone. She was not going to cause any trouble – it is just the pains that started again. The nurse quietly and mysteriously appeared. “Yes,” she inquired.

The one strapped to the bed weakly explained her pains. The nurse disappeared. A few moments later she appeared, and pushed something rough and cold under the prone form on the bed. Then left.

“But the pains,” she quietly cried. “What do they mean?” The fog was closing in again. No. Not again. Not yet. She wanted to be present.

Her body pushed. It was automatic. Something needed to be born. It was causing such pain. But it was a part of her. And didn’t want to be any longer. Something inside of her was forcing itself out. It was the baby that she had wanted for so long… she knew it. With sweet sadness, another pain ripped through her. A labor of love? Why could she not get any help? Didn’t they know that a miracle was taking place? Did they not know?

She writhed in pain. And pushed. She felt a release. But no cry. ‘My baby is dead,’ she lamented, and softly cried to herself. ‘My baby is dead.’ The tears flowed freely. Full of fears. Full of……No! It cannot be! Twins! Another pain convulsed through her. She bore down, glad that it was almost over. She pushed. With all of her might. Wanting it to be over. Over at last. It had been so long. So very long. The waiting. Why had it taken so long? Why was she so groggy? So many “why’s”.

The second one was stillborn, too. Silence filled the sterile room. And the faint odor of something having died. Terror filled her soul. It was all for naught! Why did this happen? Why did no one care? No one. She had forgotten the names that she was to have given them. Would they be blessed before they went back to heaven? Would……they……… and she fell backwards into the region of her mind called ‘weary exhaustion’.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Sometime in the middle of the night, someone woke her with a burning, stinging pressure that was administered to her left arm. She groggily remembered the apparatus being slid from under her. In the distance, she heard the flushing of a toilet. ‘My babies!’ she screamed in the silent void of her sketchy consciousness. ‘What have they done with my babies?!’ In the hallway, the nurse shook her head, and noted on the chart:

“Patient’s output functions –Normal.”

I do not apologize for this story. It occurred. It was just a very long, dark, bleak part of the Journey. It has made me a stronger person today. I am grateful that it happened, and that I had the courage to write about it.

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