My Spirit Is Free

by Amy L. Allison © September 1996

Published in Lotus: Personal Transformation September 1996

nce upon a time, before my fourth decade of life – fireworks, explosions, and symphonic crescendos were present, I am sure, and marked various turning points in my life, but not the commencement of my person evolution.

The evolving of the transformation that is still ever-spiraling came as gently as a Sunday afternoon’s rain. I decided to stop relying on what the world offered to my human form, chemicals, foods, people…for a “high”, and came to feel and hunger and thirst belong to my numb and starving soul. These new sensations could only be appeased with dedicated contemplation of the unknown, all-powerful Universal Intelligence…my Higher Power. Some refer to this Being as God, as I do.

This process of change was not smooth, uninterrupted, or without a lot of mental, emotional, and spiritual pain—it may be likened to the following tale:

“My life had become an island of fire, savage natives, and wild beasts. There was no drinkable water. The drums of the natives were hammered by dark hands with white palms, and the rhythm pounded against the insides of my skull. I found an old rotted rowboat. I t was in terrible condition, yet through some miracle, it appeared to be without leaks. One night in delirious frenzy, I ran to the water, pushed the boat loose from the sand, and jumped in.

“As I drifted, I was thankful to be away from the intense heat, insane screaming, and physical threats on my life. Then I looked towards the dark, unknown waters reaching out before me in all directions. There were no instructions, no maps. Food was raw fish. Sleep was deep, despite the uncomfortable board mattress. There was light and warmth inside me, even in the darkest nights on turbulent waters. I awoke to the sun in my eyes and hopes that my journey would bring me new life.”

During the first few weeks in my “lonely little boat,” I secluded myself at a bed and breakfast in the hills of south Indiana. And meditated. And prayed. I talked to my God, asking for “proof” of His existence. At the suggestion of a spiritual advisor, I had purchased the board game of “Life.” I opened the board, took, the plastic pieces out of their wrappers, looked at the tokens, and read the directions. I was without a clue. I couldn’t play this game. I thought I was lost. But I prayed, read, and meditated. I looked at my life with new awareness. I washed the make-up off my face and didn’t wear any for a year. I age fruits and vegetables and drank water, I cut my hair. I felt like I was being born again, but this birth canal was endless.

My self-defining objects were slowly removed from my life. I was banned from my office: others feared me and my behaviors, in my earliest days of my journey. I was ostracized by friends, who did not like the fact that I wanted a new life for myself. I shunned my family for nearly a year, as their ways and actions were toxic, and I as in a raw, flesh-ripped and emotionally-stripped state. I quit smoking. I asked my husband to leave and never come back. Our marriage was conceived by two plastic addictive-riddled people and no longer had any meaning whatsoever.

Even in this “new” state, I made old mistakes. I entered into a relationship that resembled my father’s and mine as I grew up. My naïve curiosity took me into some not-so-healthy situation. I still blamed others for situations that befell me and had trouble accepting responsibility for my life It was too easy to be a victim

I rushed to make up for lost time. I was doing, doing, always doing. Until one day. After about six years into my transformational journey, someone reminded me that I was a human being, not a human doing. I tried to slow down. I asked God to slow my down. I helped others who were traveling a similar journey. I turned to a more spiritually-aware mode of living. I worked the twelve Steps of recovery to the vest of my ability. I gave people the benefit-of-the-doubt. I re-built a relationship with my estranged father. I decided that becoming more like my mother wasn’t the kiss of death.

I did not find the vaccine for cancer and could not make a Betty Crocker soufflé. I was never going to be a high school cheerleader or homecoming queen or reach a Golden wedding anniversary. I was never going to look good in a bikini. I wasn’t going to be a millionaire, nor live like one. I wasn’t on the Dean’s List or in a sorority. I was never going to be a mother. But…

I found a cure for my loneliness and learned how to rely on myself to bolster my self-esteem. I learned to cook some very delectable dishes. I maintained my figure, and came to accept that I wasn’t twenty-two years old any longer, nor a size 3. I found a relationship with a man that may blossom into a marriage “til death do us part.” I have a good paying job and a very comfortable house with a multitude of plants and “natural” memorabilia. I graduated with a 3.5gpa, and earned a Master’s in Business Administration. I have a beautiful step-daughter-to-be and a step-grandson-to-be. I have two of the most adorable, lovable kitties that any cat lover could want. I belong to a fellowship of people who are on a similar journey. I am not alone, and I am loved.

I have not had the life that I thought I wanted, ---but through this transformation, I found that I am a child of God, and my spirit is finally free.

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